Monday, March 19, 2012

WTF?! FML

OMG. So the one thing that I hate the most. THE MOST. about being on exchange is that I know practically nothing about what's going on back home. Maybe I'm just too busy (with traveling) or that they're just too busy (CWRU does have a massive work load) or just the fact that we're so far away, that I don't communicate as much as I do with my friends from CWRU. I don't know. Does this mean that we're just not as close as I thought? Are we just too lazy to put in that effort? I'm sorry that I'm lacking in so many ways, but I get a little lonely thinking that maybe they really didn't care about me as much as I thought. I know this sounds extremely stupid and self-obsessed, but I'm a really fragile person and I'm super shy. It's hard for me to make friends. I'm not kidding. I get really scared when I meet new people, but when I meet people I like, I don't want to lose them you know? Like even my high school friends, I only keep in contact with my best friend (Emiloo) and sometimes Caitlin and Tracy and that's it. We were so close in High School, but what are we now? Did I lose my friends? Being so far apart really makes things difficult and I admit I should put in more effort too... but please don't forget about me!!!! D: I'm trying. I promise. I'm trying to make myself better! I don't want to keep moving to new places and have to continuously make new friends! I want to keep my friends and have life long friends.... Is that so wrong of me? Is it my fault? I really like my new friends in Singapore, but it's hard because I miss my friends back home. Do they miss me though? I'm really a weak person. I'm really scared. I just want a place to belong. Are these the people I'll spend the rest of my life with? Will I have to find new friends again when I go to grad school? When I move again? When I graduate? And what if I don't get into grad school and all my plans change? Then what? Will I be alone forever?

LOL. I don't want to sound too whiny and emo, so I'll just go right into what's on my mind..... sorry.....

OK. So here's the ranting part. For next year (2012-2013), I was planning on living with my 3 best friends that I've known since freshman year. I really trust these people you know? And we lived together sophomore year so I was really excited to live with them again. Actually, last year, I lived with my sorority and they lived with their sorority, so that's why I didn't live with them. BUT. The hard part is, they've been sending texts apparently and I can't get their texts. >;( So I have to give them some credit. Yea, so we were planning on living together next year. I was offered like 3 other groups to live with, but I denied, because I was so excited to live with them again. SO EXCITED. Well. Yesterday. I was talking to one of them, Ashley, and I found out that everything changed. EVERYTHING. I could cry right now. Actually I did cry. I'm so scared. Ashley and Natalie decided to live off campus instead of going with the original plan. They did plan to find a 3-bedroom place so that I could live with them, but unfortunately, my school fees is funded 80% by scholarships and grants which will ALL be taken away from me if I live off campus.... so I can't. I can't do it. I'm pretty sure I told them this before, but they probably just forget since I'm so hard to get in touch with. Yea. So the forms were apparently due today too. TODAY. And I found out just 11 hours ago that they weren't going to live with me. Thanks you guys. Thanks. Everyone else already found their groups because, I mean, the forms are due today... I'm homeless. Everyone has no more room. I have no where to live. I don't know what to do. I'm seriously awkward around new people. Will I be that weird person that is pushed in to live with random people? :( I'm really scared. I slept through class today. I just. I just don't know. WHY COULDN'T THEY JUST TELL ME EARLIER? WHY? THEN I COULD HAVE MORE LIKELY FOUND SOMEONE ELSE. NOW I HAVE NOTHING LEFT TO DO? Should I lose all my scholarships for friendship? I don't think I can as much as I love them.... school is like $6o,ooo USD a year.... that I don't have. :(

So yea, I'm homeless next year. And I don't know what to do. I guess I'll just meet new people and hopefully make new friends. I was lucky with my roommates before, let's hope I'll be lucky again..... Truthfully, this whole thing just makes me self reflect. That's what brought upon this post. I'm just a shy, quiet, naive girl that is easily taken advantage of. And I know it. People just love to take advantage of me don't they? I lack confidence. That's why I love fashion. That's why I love to dress up. What I lack in confidence, those nice clothes, that make-up, it helps give me the confidence to go on. I can do this. I know my friends didn't mean to do this to me. I think they'll end up being life long friends. But right now. At this moment. I'm really hurt. I'm really scared. And I feel betrayed. :( Finding all this out at 4 AM after getting practically no sleep the previous week doesn't help me either....

Well like I said, I've been going through a lot of self reflection. I know a lot of people think of me as some really girly, girl that is just obsessed with shopping and sleeping... and that might be true, but I go deeper. My thoughts go deeper than just "OMG, let's get some shoes." It's more like, life has been stressful (my school work load is no joke you guys... and I'm Chemistry BS WITH premed, 2 minors, a job, a handful of clubs, my sorority, and I have a lot of stuff I do for my family too.) So I want to treat myself sometimes. It's these little things that make me happy. I can buy those $5-15 shoes (which I'm a master at finding good shoe deals back home) and be so happy for that little bit before I fall back into life. Yea, these things give me confidence. These things make me so happy so I enjoy them, so I can see why people see me as that type. But if they just took that time to look deeper, they'd see the real me. I guess I don't really tell much people about my problems anyways. I hide a lot. I can tell you those small secrets, but I can't tell you more than that. Truthfully, I'm scared to tell these secrets because I lack the confidence.

I guess the same can go for my non-existent love life. To be honest, I've never had a boyfriend. I've never been kissed. I don't think I've ever even truly loved anyone. It's sad isn't it? And I think the reason is because I'm not ready yet. I'm still trying to figure out who I am. Who is the real Stephanie? So yea, until I find her, I think I'm fine being single. Fine being alone for now. Good things come to those who wait right? I'd rather wait for myself to grow, for me to find that guy who'd take my breath away. LOL. Or maybe these are just excuses to tell myself.... I know some guys ( I heard from my guy-popular friend) find me intimidating.... I don't know why? D: I'm like the least intimidating person ever. D: Kekekekekee~ I've always tried to be scary but I guess I kinda am, huh? When I heard this, I cried a little. I'm lame right? Actually no. They are just stupid because they lost the chance to meet an amazing girl because they can't look past how my exterior looks. I like dressing up. So what? Fuck you if you think that makes me intimidating. I was texting one of my guy friends about it, and he really made me feel so much better. He told me that I should just be who I am, and not care about what others think, or something along those lines. Lol. I never thought of him to say these types of things, so hearing that from him really helped me. I also asked someone else about it, but he's just a jerktard, so we'll skip him. I am who I am and that's just it. But I do know I have some problem areas that I'm trying to fix, so wait for it. Hopefully someday will see me for who I am, and love me for this. It really is all about the heart right? Not just the looks. I know looks do have some part in it, but to me, its the heart that matters more. Also, he needs to be brave, because I'm like the hugest scaredy cat ever. ;D

For now, my snuggle buddy will just be this teddy bear. Teehee~ <3


And here are some pictures to bring back those memories. A really bad, I'm too lazy to edit colors, picture of me and my closer college friends going out to dinner at Chocolate bar. Good times. I know sometimes you guys really mess up (coughcough-housing-coughcough) but I still love you guys~ <3


And my high school friends~ Lol. Emiloo isn't actually in this picture because she was in Arizona with her other half, but she was here in spirit. I don't have any older pictures because I only started to get into photography until after Frosh year in Uni. Before that, if you took my picture, I'd rip it up! :'D Lol.... I'm a bitch..... Sorry guys.... >.<;; Much love to them too. c:<3


Sorry for the super, long, wordy post which I'm too lazy to proof-read. c: Thanks for reading~ <3