Friday, August 3, 2012

No means NO!

Ok you guys. Did I ever tell you about my problem about how I really dislike saying "no"? D:

Like for cereal here, I have a major problem here.... there are very few things I will say "no" to (or really obvious shit. Don't mess with me gurl.... icutchu.....:x)

Well anywho, here's my major predicament....
So for my senior year, I have to do research under a teacher or post-doc for my capstone project. So I was looking up peeps to do research for, and I ended up emailing two people. One person, Dr. Zhang (lololol too many Dr. Zhangs to know which one I'm talking about right? //noracismhere ;p) works with cancer drugs, and the other Dr. Philip (I'll just use his first name) works with Retinoids and x-ray crystallography. Now to tell the truth, both of them are interesting to me (I mean, obviously right? I emailed them.... -_-) so I would love to do research for either one of them.

Now Dr. Zhang emailed me back first. Like right after I emailed him I got a response. And he was the first one who I emailed. So I was really happy about that. And it turns out, this guy is a super nice guy! He seems really enthusiastic about having me volunteer in his lab. I mean, after just 1 day of shadowing the post-doc that I'd be working under, he's like "let's take your picture so we can put it on our website!" Like OMG. I'm already thought of as someone in their lab and I feel soooo honored! Especially because they just got a BUNCH of new publicity from my school because of their new, innovative approach on fighting Cancer. Like no joke, news people were interviewing him. Web articles about him. They're doing some really ground-breaking stuff here right? And I'm pre-pharm. This means I'll work with medicine. He's working to create a medicine for cancer. What more can I ask for right?

Well then comes the dilemma. Dr. Philip also emailed me back (later that day) to set up a meeting time. Online, there was little to no information about this research, but I knew one thing, he was a PharmD instructor and that's exactly what I need. People with PharmD connections are perfect for people looking into PharmD right?! So I decided to meet with him. I mean, his research on eyes also sounds really interesting! He's working with cow eyes and I'd get to have fun with those! What fun right? Also, turns out his lab is also super nice too. And they offered to pay me.... dafuq do I do now?

I really don't want to let them either of them down. Currently I'm only subscribed to take 15 credit hours next semester, and take 5 credit hours for lab research (= ~ 15 hours a week in lab). Now I was talking to them, and I decided, it would be best if I did 15 hours (Philip) in one lab and only 10 hours (Zhang) in the other lab. That way I think that I can fit it all into my schedule. But I'm worried if they'll expect more from me. I really won't have a life next semester, or the semester after that. Actually, the semester afterwards, there is absolutely no way I can do both at the same time. I'll have to drop one. And it really scares to me have to say no to one of these groups. Should I just say no now?

I think this plan may work though for the time being, though, so that's what I'll go with for now. We'll see how this goes, but I don't know if this is just me getting in over my head again. I really don't have enough courage to just turn one of them down. I love both researches, and they're both vastly different. And they both sound fun to me. What the fuck am I supposed to do? God please give me a sign... T____T

The only thing I do know is that I don't want to be like this anymore. Not only the fact that I'm a huge push-over and have terrible troubles turning people down, but also because I'm scared I'll let them down. Or that maybe I'll just slack off again like I like to do. I don't want to be lazy anymore. And you know what. I won't be lazy anymore. I really want to do my best and I'll try my best. No more of these unfulfilled promises that just seem to pass right by you. I want to change into a better person. Minna-san ~ please wait for my transformation. I'm always changing (I was never into skincare or traveling before, but now I love it) maybe I can change into a better, more trustworthy person now. Who needs sleep when you know you're giving it your all?! >:D

(LOL how cheesy is that? But it's true. I think that as long as I have positive aspects on the future, and I believe in myself, nothing bad can happen. Besides, I always have chocolate to cheer me up anyways~ <3 And shoes. Gotta love dem shoes~ c; )

I don't wanna fail anymore.... I don't wanna let anyone down anymore... T_____T

Pfft. Pfft Pfft. Who wants to leave off on such a sour note.
For your viewing pleasure. GRi love~ <3 

(credits to gifs to whoever made them. I found them online. OTL OTL OTL)