Monday, November 5, 2012

Hey guys. So I'm actually super swamped with schoolwork right now.... but I just wanted to write this post. I was just re-reading my old posts and self-reflecting. I realize, I self-reflect a lot. I realize, that I haven't changed that much since my older posts. To be fair, I think that I may have become even more of a recluse. I 'm still scared to talk to new people. I'm still scared of change. I'm still too scared to be brave. The weird part is that I'm fine talking to strangers that I know I will never have any sort of relationship with, like customers or patrons at the library, but with others, I just fall short...........

Why must I be so scared?!
I've been telling myself to be brave!
This is your life. This is your dream. This is your ever changing world. You have to fight for it. Fight for everything that you believe in.
But I'm still scared. I'm still scared of it. What should I do? What can I do to be braver? No matter how much I tell myself to be brave, when the moment comes, I falter. I don't want to be scared anymore. It's just, when its important to me. Like really important to me, I get nervous. Like with my graduate school applications. I was scared. Scared of rejection. Scared to think back about why I love doing what I'm doing. Scared of it all. So I didn't do. I just didn't do it. I just waited. And waited. And pushed it off until the last moment when I barely made the deadline. I didn't know what to do.

I don't want to wait for the deadline before I do anything again.
Seriously. I want to find love.
I know I may be a little cheesy. But I really want to. And I believe in you diary. I want someone to just depend on. To kill those bugs for me. To hold me when we're watching scary movies. To be there for me. I don't know. I should be doing my homework.

I will change.
I may falter countless more times. But I won't stop believing in myself. I'll build up my courage. One day I will be brave. I WILL BE BRAVE.