Monday, March 25, 2013

Personal stuff

I thought about hiding it. But I don't care. I post what I wanna. I shouldn't hide what I want to say anymore.
I'm going to be emo today. So excuse me.

EDIT: Before you read this, please note that HIS BEST FRIEND ASKED ME OUT.
His best friend who treats me so well~ But what to do.... >w<;;

Dear Diary,

Today, I realized that.... it wasn't me. It wasn't me all along. Even though I wanted to believe it was me, it was never me was it? With those six words, my world was shattered. All those times I thought he looked my way. I thought he cared about me. I thought that he went out of his way to talk to me. I thought his eyes opened wide when he saw me. I thought wrong huh? I don't want to cry. I won't cry. Why should I cry over someone I never had? I should have listened to my other friend earlier. It really wasn't me. I really didn't have a chance with you. I should have let it go so much earlier.

You said you would. You said you would let him go Stephanie.
Why didn't you? Why didn't you stop it when you had the chance?

It was just like he said. When you like someone, you fall into this illusion.
This stupid, fucking illusion.

I thought he liked talking to me. I thought I was making progress.
I got so happy when he would message me.
I was so happy when he picked up my pen. I was so happy when he looked my way.
I was so happy when I thought he was noticing me.
Stupid right?
How could I be so stupid?
You were wrong.
You were so wrong. All that time you thought you were being brave.
What were you to him?
Just a friend. You're just his friend. Why should you ever think otherwise.
That day that you first started talking to him.
The first day you met him in person.
He was shaking. He was scared of you.
Scared of what? Did he think I would pounce him? Did he already think that I liked him? Was he just using me? Using me for my smarts? He didn't care about my feelings.
He was shaking.
Shaking really hard. He wore those ugly sandals. And his glasses. He wasn't dressed up at all.
That should have been my first sign. He didn't dress to impress me. He didn't care what I thought.
He's just bad with girls.
He was shaking.
I really liked him didn't I?
To go as far as to talk to him first.
I really liked him.

Those six words. Those six small words. How could you say them? I saw them.
Am I nothing to you? That day you walked behind me. That day you approached me and it looked like you wanted to talk to me. You fucking stopped in front of me and looked at me for like a minute. I just walked past you though. I thought you were being weird. I walked past you. That day you turned your head to face me abruptly in class. Don't think I didn't see that in my peripheral vision. That day we were sitting across from each other and you kept looking my way. Was it really my way?
It all started with his stupid blog. And I guess it will end here with his stupid blog.
I really thought that he liked me too.

Diary. I have no one. No one who I can trust as much as you.
What did I do wrong? Why can I still not find my Mr. Right? I stopped looking and I found Daniel.
That was a big mistake wasn't it. It was all just one big misunderstanding. One big misunderstanding that I did not want to believe.
Well the evidence is too much now Stephanie. There is no way out of this now.
There is no saving grace now.
Time to move on.
I really thought that he like me too.

No wonder he never talked to you first.
No wonder he would move away in his seat. I thought he was just scared. You thought wrong. You're wrong.
No wonder he wouldn't open the door for you. All guys open the door for me. It's just. All guys open the door for me.... but you didn't.... why?
No wonder he doesn't love you.

The evidence is too much now. You must believe now.
Why did I have to fall into that illusion?
Why do you always have to be so stupid Stephanie.
Why couldn't he say I was stupid in the first place. Why did you lead me on like this?

All those times I talked to him.
That time too when we were talking about AAA Night. He was shaking. Shaking. Shaking.....
He sounded like he wanted to know if I would go with him.
My illusion.
My misunderstanding.
Why would he lead me on like this?

Well good luck. I wish you luck with her. Goodbye.
This won't be the last of me though. I'll find someone new. I'll find someone better. I'll find someone who actually loves me.

There are so many pretty girls out there. I was really stupid to think that you actually liked me.
So fucking stupid.
So stupid that I hate myself now.
I hate myself for thinking this.
I hate you.